The Return of Alex Barnes

Part 4

By EJKatz

Blair woke with a start and a faint groan. He remembered the dream that awakened him, the memories. The aches in his body had faded into nothingness as his mind floated somewhere between awareness and emptiness. He felt heavy, no longer sleepy, but not quite awake. It wasn’t an unpleasant feeling, just a little disconcerting. He waited, knowing that his Sentinel would come for him. His new Sentinel. The other one, well; he had rejected Blair. Tossed him aside like he was no longer important, and maybe he wasn’t.

Everything Blair had thought he knew about the relationship between Guide and Sentinel had been crushed by the knowledge that the one person he thought he knew had betrayed him, first by kicking him out of his home, and second, with a new guide.

His head was telling him that Jim had betrayed him completely, leaving him open once more for attack only this time Alex was there to help him, hold him, to let him guide her. Yet knowing this in his head was one thing. Knowing it in his heart was another. There was still some part of himself, a part buried deeply against the hurt, which cried out that this was all wrong and that it was he, not Jim, who was betraying the Sentinel/Guide bond.

Somewhere, deep in his heart he knew that this was wrong, no two ways about it. However he was too tired to fight anymore. His mind was telling him through graphic memories and nightmares that James Ellison, one time best friend and partner, had beaten him, physically, and now emotionally. He just wasn’t strong enough to fight that any longer.

Those scars, the emotional ones, they kept him from listening to his heart. He had thought that Jim was his friend, his brother. That was how Blair had seen him. For the first time in his whole life, Blair had done the one thing he has sworn never to do; he had opened his heart and trusted someone else with it. Now, look what had happened.

All his life he had been taught not to settle anywhere for too long, not to get attached to places, people or things. His mother, Naomi, had reiterated time after time that settling meant only one thing, heartache. She had taught him that it was better to leave than be left. For all his adult life he had lived this philosophy and never once had he regretted it. Until now.

For the first time he had put aside the concept of ‘detach with love’ and let someone behind the walls that protected his heart. He had come to think of Jim as more than just a friend, he had been his brother in everything but blood but now…that was gone too and every lesson Naomi had ever taught him about not feeling things too deeply came flooding back, doubling the ache of loss.

Tears fell past already swollen eyelids. He pressed them together, trying desperately to stop the flow. This was not the first time he had awakened to find the tears waiting just beneath the surface. As soon as he awoke, the memories flooded back and the tears fell. Trying to stop them had become a futile effort. He needed…what did he need? Or rather, who? There were still some doubts in his mind, but he suspected that they were directed more at himself than to his new Sentinel.

Where was she? He needed her.

*****

“Jim, the APB is out on her. Based on the description you gave and mine, she won’t get away. Now, think. Did she say anything about where she was staying? Anything to indicate where they might be holding Blair?”

“Nothing Simon. I told you, we didn’t really talk. She’d show up, we’d eat, and the next thing I know I am waking up with her in my bed. I don’t even remember if we had sex or not.”

“The drugs she was using, probably.” Simon studied his friend. They had been sequestered in Simon’s office for several hours now and had been unable to make any progress. They had discussed the missing anthropologist and how to find him, to no avail. He was still missing and they had no idea how to find him.

“You know, Simon, when I went to see Dr. Richards, I had been planning to go and see Blair right afterwards, but I didn’t. I forgot. I can’t believe I forgot to go and see Blair. What kind of Blessed Protector am I, Simon, if I forget to go see my best friend to warn him he is in danger. God, what an ass I am.”

“Jim, don’t beat yourself up over this. Let’s just find the kid and end this, once and for all. What about Richards?”

With a deep cleansing breath, Ellison regained his control. He forced his doubts and recriminations to one side in order to concentrate more fully on finding his Guide. “Well, I think that maybe he is involved. I couldn’t place it at the time, but I think he was lying. Also, he might have slipped something into the tea he gave me that caused me to forget to go to the University.”

“Well, we have nothing else. I’ll send Rafe and Brown to stakeout the Doctor’s office. He is probably home now so you and I will check out his home.”

*****

“Captain.” Rafe’s voice floated in over the radio. “We caught the secretary as she was leaving for the day. She said Dr. Richards never showed this morning for work and he has been erratic for the last few days. She tried to call him at home, but there was no answer. Another thing, she said he never missed work before without telling her first. She indicated that the good doctor was seeing some woman and might have been up till the wee hours and just decided not to come in. Though she doubted this.”

“Thanks Rafe. He might show up later. Stay put for the time being. I’ll have someone relieve you in a few hours.”

“Thanks, Captain.” The radio went silent, then even the static stopped as Simon disconnected. He glanced at his companion, who sat very still. Ellison’s eyes were glazed over slightly, but his muscles twitched a little telling Simon that he hadn’t zoned. At least not yet.

Jim was, in fact, focused with all his senses on the house they sat watching. He couldn’t substantiate anything yet, but a strange feeling, call it a hunch, had come over him and he knew it was only a matter of time before Alex showed up. He didn’t know why he knew this, only that he did. He couldn’t risk a zone out, so he was careful to move and change his focus every few seconds, eyes never leaving the house.

They didn’t have to wait too long. It was nearly ten when Jim caught the first sign of Alex. He saw the flash of red hair as she passed through the fenced back yard. She was only just tall enough for the hair to be seen and if Jim hadn’t been watching so carefully, he would have missed it.

“She’s there.” He told Simon.

“What? Are you sure?” The tall black man’s head swung to face his friend, who nodded. Neither man made any move to get out of the car. They both wanted Alex, but they both wanted to find Blair more. Instinctively knowing that Alex could lead them to him, they waited, patiently.

They sat still watching the faint light of a flashlight moving through the house, first downstairs then upstairs. Finally, about twenty minutes later, she came out and got into a car in the alley about a block down from the house. Simon started the car and began to follow. Jim’s abilities allowed them to stay far enough back so Alex wouldn’t spot her followers and try to lose them.

They drove for almost forty-five minutes, winding through the streets of Cascade. Jim knew they hadn’t been noticed, so he guessed she was making sure she hadn’t picked up a tail. He thanked whomever had given him his senses. For the first time since this whole nightmare began, they had come in useful. He motioned Simon to fall back slightly as she turned onto a residential street with rows of matching houses and white fences. Tree lined streets echoed memories of suburbia. Simon pulled to a stop a good ten feet from the stop sign, out of sight of the other road. Ellison focused in on the now familiar heartbeat of the former Sentinel.

She pulled her car into the garage of a yellow house with a weeping willow in the front yard. The house was two stories with a sunken basement. The windows of the basement had been boarded up and though you couldn’t tell by looking at it, the entire basement had been soundproofed. She waited until the garage door closed completely before exiting the car. Her lover waited for her just inside the kitchen door.

“Did you get it?”

“Yes. It was right where you said it was. Can you complete this now?” Alex asked, excitement pouring from every cell in her body. She fairly vibrated with anticipation.

“Yes, my love. We can complete the last step, he is completely yours now. I have released his restraints, and I believe he is awake and waiting for you downstairs. You can go, put him to sleep and we can finish this.” The man hugged her once, quickly, before releasing her. “I will prepare this, you go, see him, get him to sleep.”

She nodded and turned. The basement door was a few feet into the hallway. It was locked, but the key turned easily and the hinges were well oiled so as to make no sound as the door opened. She hurried down the steps, moving on silent feet. She left the door open knowing her lover would be down shortly. She was anxious now that the end was so close. She could taste her own excitement. Knowing that in the next few hours she would have her answers, her senses and her revenge on the ones who had deprived her of her destiny.

Blair lay on his side facing the stairs; his eyes were open, but unseeing. He didn’t move as she sat on the edge of the bed. In fact he was unresponsive until she reached out and touched him. There was a slight flinch before he rolled into her touch. His eyes focused on her and a small smile lit his features.

“Hi.” He said softly.

“Hi, yourself. How are you feeling?”

“Sore. What happened?” His confusion was evident and Alex knew it was from the artificial amnesia and planted memories that her lover had given her new, temporary guide.

“You don’t remember?” She watched as he shook his head a tiny bit, wincing in pain at the movement. “Jim attacked you. He beat you and left you for dead. I found you and brought you to my friend. He’s a doctor. He’s been helping you.”

Blair stared at her in puzzlement. Now he remembered. He remembered other times when Jim had beaten him also, but not this bad. He remembered being thrown up against a wall. He remembered being knocked around a few times, but never any thing like this. Tears started for fall and he felt Alex take him in her arms. She held him as he sobbed, rocking him gently until at long last he fell asleep, exhaustion in every line of his body.

When she was sure he slept, Alex laid him back on the bed and grinned at him, not a pleasant smile either. If Blair had been awake to see it, his blood would have frozen in his veins. The look was pure unadulterated evil.

“Is he out?” A disembodied voice came from the stairs. She turned to face the speaker.

“Yes. Let’s do it.”

The man stepped forward, preparing to inject the young man.

*****

“Jim, we can’t just go in. We need to first wait for back up and we need the warrant. Megan is getting it and she will be here as fast as she can. We just have to be patient.”

“Simon, I can’t…they are preparing him for something. I don’t know what, but I heard Alex telling Blair that I beat him. Simon, I never touched him. Not like that, you know that.”

“Oh God, Jim. What is it they want from him? Why are they doing this?” The meaning of Jim’s words struck Simon hard. He grabbed his cell phone and dialled Megan again. “What the hell is taking so long?”

“I am on my way, sir. The DA’s office was closed and Judge Lowry was not being co-operative as usual. He made me wait.”

“How far are you? We don’t have much time left.”

“Right behind you now, Sir.” Megan flashed her lights into the back windshield of the maroon sedan. Jim was out of the car; unholstering his gun and running towards the house even before Megan had fully stopped her car. Brown and Rafe, who had been called from the Doctor’s house, arrived only seconds later, and with a curse they all charged after the detective.

Jim’s hearing had been focused on the house. He had heard nothing until Alex had gone downstairs. He realized that the room must have been soundproofed but if she had left the door open, it would explain why he could now hear the beloved beat of his partner’s heart. He also heard as Dr. Richards injected the contents of the syringe into Blair. He had listened as the Guide's heartrate increased to dangerous levels as adrenaline began to pump faster through his body. As Megan pulled up, Blair had begun crying out in pain. His breathing grew ragged and his lungs laboured to fill. Jim could sit still no longer, not while he could do something to stop Blair’s pain, not while there was still breath in his body.

Ellison heard the others start to follow him as he reached the back door, the door closest to where he heard the voices. He could clearly make out the horrible words that were being spoken. Both the ‘good’ doctor and Alex were telling his Guide that Jim was the enemy and to save himself and Alex, Blair had to let Jim go, and had to help Alex get her powers back. They told him that he had to do it now, before Jim came, before Jim completed the job and finally killed Blair.

The power of the words hurt Ellison deeply as they reminded him that for five days he hadn’t cared that this was happening to his Guide. That his friend, no… his brother was in pain, afraid and feeling betrayed by the one person he had thought was his best friend. Jim knew he had once more failed his Guide. The feeling threatened to overwhelm him, but he ruthlessly pushed it aside and fought to hold on to the tenuous grip he had over the situation.

He sensed Simon a split second before the big captain’s hand touched his shoulder lightly. He watched as Banks signalled Brown and Rafe to head to the front and wait for a count of two minutes.

Megan, Simon and Jim held their weapons ready as Jim reached out to open the back door. Sure enough it was locked. Megan silently handed him a bobby pin, which he handled adeptly enough to get the door open. When the two minutes were up, they heard the front doorbell ring.

For a moment all sound ceased from downstairs, then he heard Alex speak. “Who could that be? I thought you said this place was empty.”

“It is. I can’t image who would be coming. Stay here. I’ll get rid of them.” Richards started up the stairs. Jim and the others moved out of sight as the basement door was pushed further open. The cries of pain from Blair had stopped and Jim could make out faint mumbling sounds as Blair spoke. The words were strange, but he recognized them as the ones Blair had read to him in Mexico. The words explaining how to reconnect the Sentinel with the spirit guide to return Sentinel senses.

Forcing his feet forward, Jim led the way. Simon continued down the hallway to meet up with Richards, should he try to escape out the back way. Megan followed Jim down the stairs.

The sight that met Jim’s eyes torn into his heart, bringing the pain of his own follies to the forefront of his mind. Blair, his Guide, was now sitting with his back against Alex’s chest, his head resting gently on her shoulder. Tiny tremors wracked his body, and lines of pain still showed around his eyes. Her arms were wrapped around the young man in a possessive pose, but the look on her face was one of sheer rapture. Her eyes glistened with pleasure, not at holding Blair, but rather at what he was saying. She couldn’t understand the words, but she was aware of their implications.

Blair stared ahead at the blank wall before him. Neither saw the two police detectives enter the basement both were too engrossed in the words of instruction. When the grad student switched suddenly to English it startled both newcomers and Jim gasped softly.

Alex heard the soft exhalation of air and looked up. Her arms tightening around the reposed figure even as the guns were levelled at her.

“Alex Barnes, you are under arrest. Let him go and step away from him.” Ellison’s words were harsh with both anger and fear for his Guide. He tightened his grip on his weapon as he fought the tremors that threatened.

Alex smiled her evil little smile as she tightened her hold more. Blair seemed to sense the sudden tension, for he finally stopped speaking and looked up at the new arrivals. His reaction startled everyone.

“No!” He cried out, pulling himself brutally from Alex’s grasp and flinging himself into the corner where the bed rested in the crook of the two walls behind her. “Don’t let him hurt me. Please, no. Oh god, no.”

If Megan was shocked at Blair’s reaction she didn’t show it. She kept her gun aimed at the escaped mental patient; her eyes never leaving the smiling face of the enemy. She sensed Jim’s movement as he left Alex to Megan’s care. He holstered his gun and approached the bed.

Alex didn’t move. She wanted to see how things would play out. She knew now that her planning was not going to pan out, but that didn’t mean that her revenge wouldn’t come to fruition. She knew that Sandburg had been primed to defend himself forcefully against Ellison if the need should arise and it looked like it just might.

“Move, Alex. Now.” Ellison commanded. He waited until she rose. Blair reached out to grab her, wanting to use her for protection.

“Chief. Blair. It’s me, Jim.” Jim held out one hand, praying that Blair would come to his senses and take it. No go. Blair flinched back away from the gesture, his heart thumping harder than before. “Chief, you need to calm down. Your heart is too fast, it can’t take the strain.”

Blair didn’t seem to listen. His arms curled over his head for more protection. He could see through the space between his two arms, but he was not watching Jim with anything other than complete and total terror. A strange keening sound came from his open mouth and he began to rock himself.

“Blair, please. Oh God, Chief, I am so sorry. I need to help you. You need to trust me to let me help you. You need a doctor.” Jim reached out again, this time laying one hand gently upon the anthropologist’s arm.

Blair lashed out in panic. His fist caught Ellison on the side of the head, knocking him backward off the bed. From behind them Alex laughed. Megan was cuffing the woman, tightening the shackles just a little more than necessary. “Shut up.” She hissed at the red haired woman.

The keening grew in volume. Jim looked toward Megan who nodded in understanding. She pushed Alex up the stairs before her, leaving Jim alone with Blair.

Jim sat on the floor in a lotus position. It was hard on his knees, but sudden inspiration had struck him on how he could reach his Guide, as memories floating through his head.

*****

“Hey, Jim, look at this” Blair called, excitedly. Jim looked up from where he was reading. His guide sat on the floor with his legs crossed under him. He was reading the symbols on the wall, taking copious amounts of notes for later studying. He was focused on one small section of the wall and he had been for two days now.

“What’s up, Chief?”

“I’ve been studying these symbols here. They seem to be instructions. A means of strengthening the mental bond between Sentinel and Guide. I guess Burton was right when he said there was a connection there. I wonder how it works?”

Jim smiled fondly as he watched his energetic young man fidgit until he felt he was in exactly the right position. He held his hands up with the palms outward.

Something in Jim impelled him to sit opposite Blair and touch his palms to Blair’s. A sharp tingle almost broke the contact but suddenly a brilliant thread of blue light appeared before his eyes, causing him to shut his eyelids tightly against the glare.

Seconds, minutes, maybe hours later they were together in their minds. A peaceful place where the only thing that mattered was the two of them. The Sentinel/Guide bond was all that existed. A connection closer that friendship, closer than lovers, closer even than family. An amazing and yet frightening experience but one that he suddenly didn’t want to lose.

He saw Blair before him with a smile on his face. His eyes bright with excitement. “Cool” was all he said.

*****

Closing his eyes he looked inside for that bright thread of light he and Blair had discovered connected them when they were in Mexico. Maybe he could find it again and use the connection.

He sat there for several minutes, not speaking, only hearing and searching. It took that long to find what he sought. It lay there, faint, but vibrating with power. He pulled on it lightly, but it didn’t move and he hoped that meant it was still connected.

He traced it back until he met up with a wall, a resistance that was strong, but the thin line went through it and beyond he sensed Blair.

<Blair. Chief, can you hear me?> he called through the link. There was no answer save for the fading of the keening noise. He had caught Blair’s attention. <Look at me, Chief, please.>

The pleading note was strong and Blair heard it in his mind. He moved his arms to searched for the speaker. Jim sat before him on the floor, his legs crossed under him in a meditation pose. The big man’s eyes were closed and his face relaxed. Some instinct inside him recognized the position and the bond between them. Without thinking, merely reacting to that instinct, Blair sat on the floor in front of Jim, knees not quite touching. He closed his eyes and found the thread waiting.

<Jim?> He asked tentatively.

<Oh, Chief. Thank God. Are you okay?>

<What’s happening, Jim? I don’t understand any of this.> The confusion and fear that Blair had shown earlier came through the link even stronger and Jim had a hard time assimilating it so he could respond.

<It’ll be okay, Chief. I know you are pretty confused right now, but…> he paused, as if unsure how to ask his question.

<Jim?>

<Yeah, Chief?>

<I remember…did you…I mean…> he couldn’t finish. The thought of his memories being accurate was too terrifying to question. Maybe if he didn’t ask, they wouldn’t be real.

<No, Chief. I didn’t. I wouldn’t. You know that, right?> Jim guessed at what Blair was trying to ask. He was in a way answering Jim’s own question. Yes he remembered, but the memories were wrong and now Jim needed to fix them. There was silence from the other side of the link and Jim repeated his question. <You know that I would never hurt you, right?>

<I don’t…I…Please, tell me it isn’t real. Oh God, why won’t it stop. No. Please, help me.>

The pleas were desperate, the tone so filled with fear and agony that it forced the link to drop and Jim came to himself, still sitting on the floor of that basement room. Blair now lay curled in on himself on the floor, faint whimpers of distress coming from his throat.

Jim moved to take Blair in his arms, holding him like a child against his broad chest, rocking ever so slightly. He pressed Blair’s head against his heart, letting the soothing beat lull the young man to calmness and then into sleep.

When he was calm enough himself, he picked the limp body up tenderly in his arms and carried him up the steps into the main part of the house. The movements woke Blair, but rather than the closeness making him more afraid, he seemed to rather take comfort in the embrace. His arm went around his Sentinel’s neck and tightened in response briefly before he let sleep take him again.

The gesture warmed Ellison’s heart in a way he had never known. He knew that there would still be much work and healing ahead of them, but he knew that they were together again and that what Alex had tried to do would not be permanent. He smiled down at his Guide, whose face softened in repose. A small sigh escaped between Blair’s full lips, a sigh of complete contentment.

Alex Barnes was standing with her back to the squad car, her eyes were focused intently upon the house and then Ellison as he exited carrying Sandburg. She felt the rage building inside her at the knowledge that her plans for revenge had also been taken from her. She glared to where her lover stood.

Dr. Mark Richards watched the proceeding with vague interest. His mind already working on what had gone wrong. He was certain that he had broken the connection between the two men. Sandburg’s faith in the older man had been destroyed, he had made sure of that, so why then was he allowing Ellison to hold him, carry him. Fascinating. Already he wanted to study these two men more.

He wasn’t sure what happened next and he never would know. Somehow, Alex managed to get out of the too tight cuffs. She knocked the officer in front of her to one side as she grabbed his gun, pulling it from the holster. With deliberate ease she took aim and fired, hitting Richards high in the chest, directly in the heart. The man was dead before he hit the ground. She turned the weapon on Ellison and his burden, but before she was able to fire again three other guns blazed. All three shots hit her and she fell to the ground, eyes open, but no longer seeing.

*****

Ellison refused to leave his partner’s side, even when the ER nurses took him away on a stretcher to check him out. Jim had followed and a glare to the head nurse and then again to the doctor had kept him where he wanted to be. Especially when Blair had woken first disoriented, then terrified at the white and green coats surrounding him.

Memories of Richards and what the man had done were not clear, but the implications of the surgical coats were obviously threatening to him. It wasn’t until Jim took his hand and spoke softly to him, first in verbal words then using their link, did he calm enough to allow the doctors to finish their examination. Blair refused to stay over night. He pleaded with Jim until finally the older man relented.

Jim had taken him home and put him to bed. The first night was filled with nightmares and sleeplessness as Blair tried to come to terms with conflicting memories.

His memories of Richards and Alex were fuzzy, but he remembered clearly the scenes where Jim had beaten him. Though he tried hard to push them out of his mind, they refused to leave completely. On more than one occasion he found himself on the other side of the room from the Sentinel, cowering in falsely remembered fear.

Morning dawned to find both men exhausted. Jim had stayed up with Blair, hoping that his presence might help, but it didn’t. In fact if anything it made things worse. The earlier comradeship they had shared was now missing. Blair blocked the link though whether consciously or unconsciously done, Jim couldn’t speculate. As hard as he tried, he couldn’t break the barrier down. By morning he feared he never would.

Blair was curled on the couch under a mountain of blankets. His head rested on the arm of the couch, but his eyes were wide open and bound with some unseen force to Jim. They followed the tall man everywhere, fear sparking whenever he approached. Blair tried to get past it, but it seemed to him that whatever they had done to him had put up a wall that even he couldn’t break

Deep down, he knew that the memories he saw every time he closed his eyes were not real. He knew Jim would never and had never hurt him, but each scene they had planted reared its ugly head and he could get no rest. He watched as Jim cleared a space in the living room, moving the coffee table out of the way so he could sit on the floor, facing Blair. He crossed his legs into the familiar lotus position and resting his hands lightly on his knees he closed his eyes.

<Chief, you need to sleep. Please, let me help you.> he called. He waited for a response, anything that would indicate he’d been heard.

Working on an instinct deeper than knowledge he sent out his own memories. They were not the best, David Lash, then Dawson Quinn. Each one he sent showed the close bond the two shared. He remembered how after he had found Blair in Lash’s lair he had held him until the drug had worn off enough for him to move, for the tremors to stop. And after how he stayed close to ward off the nightmares, to protect him even in sleep. How even back then, so soon into what would become the greatest friendship he had ever known, he sought to protect his young charge from the evils of the world.

Then the whole episode with Dawson Quinn’s kidnapping of Simon and how when Blair had been shot, Jim had stayed home to take care of him, making sure the Guide had everything he could possibly need. These were true memories, the ones that showed the commitment level that Jim felt and was not always able to speak of, or even show, but nevertheless it was there and it was real. Maybe by presenting these to replace the ugly falsehoods that Blair saw as real, his hurts could heal.

He waited until at long last he felt the nearness of his partner as he took the place on the floor in front of him. Trembling hands took his own, strengthening the bond.

<You there, Chief?> he asked softly. A tentative response came in the affirmative. He squeezed the hands holding his gently. <You’re afraid of me.> He whispered to his friend.

<I’m sorry, Jim. I can’t get past this. I am trying. I know you didn’t do the things I remember, but I see them every time I try to close my eyes. I see you and I feel…> he choked on the thought and couldn’t finish the sentence.

<I am sorry.> Jim felt his own tears welling up. He knew that it was his fault things when wrong for so long. He needed to tell Blair how he felt. He needed to let his partner know that he was the one for Jim, the only one who could guide him. The one who had brought peace and joy and love to a stone cold heart and made it live again. He needed to promise to make things right, to do things better, to listen to his Guide more. These things and more he needed to get off his chest. Confession time.

When he spoke again he was surprised at the words that left his mouth. They were not what he meant to say. <Maybe you should go. Stay with Simon.>

<You want me to leave?> Blair’s question as asked in trepidation. <You want me to stay at Simon’s? I don’t understand. Have I done something wrong. Jim, I am sorry, please I will try harder.>

Suddenly all the doubts and questions that had been raised by Richards came flooding back to him. Blair felt the ache of loss deep within himself. His Sentinel really didn’t need him. He was no longer useful, there was no purpose left for him. The hurt flooded through him, ripping his heart apart, piece by piece, until there was nothing left for him to hold.

Jim could hear the tears as well as feel the sorrow through the bond. He hated himself more at that moment, knowing he was the cause of all this.

<No, that isn’t what I mean. Blair, you are terrified of me. Every time I come close you flinch, every time you try to sleep I invade your nightmares. I don’t want to cause you more pain. Maybe until we work this out you would be better staying with Simon. So you can rest.> He knew the suggestion was lame, but it was sincere. He really couldn’t stand the thought of frightening his Guide any more. He couldn’t handle hurting him any more. <I am sorry.>

The bond was broken suddenly as Blair threw off the hands he had been holding. He stood angrily and began pacing. “God, we are such a pair.”

“What?” Jim asked, baffled.

“You and me, man. Apologizing for things we can’t control. You feel guilty, I feel guilty. We keep hurting each other and it’s not either of our faults. I hate this. I can’t take it any more, Jim. I can’t take the doubt and the not knowing where I fit into all of this. It hurts too much. We share something special, Jim. I have never known anything like it in my whole life.

“Burton spoke only briefly about the bond between Sentinels and Guides, but he never mentioned anything like this. But Jim where do we go? I need to know because this is killing me as surely as if Alex had drowned me. I just can’t keep doing this.” He sank to the sofa, his head hiding in his hands. Soft sobs shook his shoulders.

Jim stared at him incredulously. He felt the sudden fear rise sharply into the pit of his stomach, twisting it, threatening to send the contents flying. Nausea, harsh and bitter filled him.

He rose and moved closer, sinking to the floor on his knees, his arms over Blair’s knees, his head buried in them to hide his own tears.

He felt Blair’s sobs through his whole body. He absorbed the tremors, wishing desperately that he could remove the hurt and the pain the young man felt. Knowing that it was within his ability to do so, he began to speak. Softly at first, but gaining volume and firmness as he realized the sincerity of his words.

“Blair, I need you. More than life itself. I can’t do this Sentinel thing without you and I really don’t think I want to try. I know I have done nothing, but hurt you, misjudged you and disbelieved you in the past. Argued with you until you were blue in the face, but through it all you have always been there. I’ve grown dependant on you and I don’t ever want that to change.

“I know I was wrong. I know that I let this happen. They fed off of your doubts, doubts I put there and I let grow. If I had just told you sooner maybe this wouldn’t have happened.” He stopped to catch his breath, his own tears were turning into deeper, heart wrenching sobs and he couldn’t draw enough air into his lungs to continue.

He had never cried like this. Not even as a child. He had never realized how liberating it could really be, releasing even. He felt Blair’s hand on his head, stroking the short hair. The gesture soothed his soul, warmed his heart and let his ears open enough to finally listen to the heart of his best friend.

“Blair, I love you. You are the closest person in the whole world to me. More a brother than Steven ever was, more a protector to me than I have been to you. If you give me a chance, I promise to try harder, be better.”

He felt the kiss to the top of his head, like a benediction, a blessing, a promise. The tenderness of that kiss broke his control further. His arms wrapped around Blair and his Guide’s arms wrapped around him.

“I love you, too, Jim. I have never had a brother and I know growing up, seeing the other kids with older brothers made me wish I had someone to look up to, to run to for protection from the bigger bullies who used to beat me up and laugh at me. I wanted a brother more than anything else in the whole world. I would have given up everything I had to find a brother. I looked for you all my life and I just never knew exactly what I was missing until I met you.

“I lied, you know.” Jim lifted his head at Blair’s confession. “This was never about friendship. Jim, this has always been about family.”

Jim watched as a smile came to rest on full lips. Blair’s face echoed the same feelings that Jim had, reflecting back the other half of his soul. He returned the smile with one of his own.

The two continued to hold each other, the nightmares and memories banished in the light of the love of two brothers, separate for their whole lives, but united by mutual need, respect, but most of all love.

As the sun rose higher into the morning sky, the mood inside the loft eased, warmed and grew until it was brighter inside their hearts than it ever could get outside.

End.

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