NEVER ALONE, NEVER AGAIN

EJKatz

“Nooooo!” Blair Sandburg screamed as he struggled futilely against the strong arms that held him back. His wide blue eyes trapped on the hopeless scene before him. The once familiar blue and white truck was crumpled around a telephone pole and thick streams of billowing black smoke mingled with the dancing red and orange of fire. Whoever had been in the cab was gone, death had probably been instantaneous.

Simon held tightly to his friend who was still trying desperately to get to the truck. He knew that the kid needed to know that Jim hadn’t been in there, contrary to what witnesses had been saying. He prayed that they were wrong but there was nothing and no one to dispute them and he had resigned himself to the worst.

Witness reported seeing a car chase through the dark back streets of Cascade. Police had been called to the scene and by the time they had arrived the driver of the truck had lost control and slammed into the pole. The resulting explosion had been nothing less than spectacular if not horrific in its finality. One witness swore she had seen a man in the front driver’s seat. He had matched Jim’s description exactly.

When Simon had arrive, just moments ago, Blair by his side, he had recognized instantly the truck and the immediate response of the young guide. He had barely had time to get out of the car and onto Blair’s side before the young man had leaped from the car and tried to race towards the blazing inferno. The fire trucks had arrived only seconds later and even now were working to put out the blaze.

Simon Banks, Captain of Major Crime with the Cascade Police Department sensed the sudden change in the man he held. Blair collapsed as his knees gave out in terrified weakness. Simon let the young man collapse as he sat beside him.

“Blair? Blair, answer me. Will you stay here?” There was no response from the younger man. “I am not going to leave you alone unless you can promise me that you will stay here and not try to get closer. I need to find out what happened. Will you stay here?”

Distressed blue eyes looked into his own and he saw reflected there the horrible torment that couldn’t be contained. The eyes brimmed with tears that either Blair couldn’t or wouldn’t let fall but he nodded his assent and Simon hugged him briefly before rising to his feet.

“Brown. Stay with him.” Banks called to Detective Henri Brown who nodded and took the Captain’s place. Banks headed to where he could see several uniformed officers taking statements from the crowd. “Williams?”

Sergeant Gabe Williams turned and saw the approaching Captain. He thanked the witness he was with and moved to meet Banks. “Yessir.”

“You were first on the scene?”

“Yessir. Just after it happened. We were racing to join the chase when we saw the explosion. Didn’t see the accident though.”

“You get witness reports?”

“Several. Ellison’s truck got caught on a patch of oil and slid out of control into the pole. A couple of seconds later the truck blew. Driver still in the cab.” Williams’ voice shook with barely contained grief and anger at what had happened.

“Okay, thanks.” Simon gripped the bridge of his nose and pressed, trying to relieve the tension headache that was building. He glanced to where Brown was sitting with Blair on the hood of Simon’s car. Blair was not crying but the grief was still strong on his features. Shaking his head, Simon went to find the fire chief, now that the fire was out.

“Hey, Banks. Heard this was one of yours.”

“Yeah, Ellison. Was there a body in there?”

“Yep, nothing recognizable. Sorry about this.”

“Not your fault, thanks though.” Simon paused to collect his emotions. Not only had James Ellison been his best detective but also he had been a true friend, one of the best. This was hard. “Forensics is here. Is it safe for them to come in?”

“Yeah. All clear.” Simon nodded and made his way back to Sandburg.

“Come on, kid. I’ll take you home?”

Blair glanced up at Simon. “H..home? Where is home now, Simon. Jim is gone. I have no home.” The abject misery that carried across to Simon in the simple words had the most profound effect on Simon. His eyes filled with tears but he refused to let them fall.

“Blair, I am sorry. I haven’t the words to express how sorry I am but he wouldn’t want you to feel this way. His home was your home, is your home. If you don’t want to go to the loft you can stay with me. Daryl is with his mother so you can use his room.”

Blair nodded limply. He had no strength left. His spirit, his soul had just been ripped out and his heart was dead. He didn’t care any more. “Whatever.”

He allowed Simon to lead him into the car. He didn’t remember the ride back to Simon’s apartment, he didn’t remember getting out of the car or into the warm bed. In fact he knew nothing until the sun began to peer in through the curtains the next morning.

*****

“Blair, you have to eat.” Simon said in frustration.

“I already ate.” Blair lied tersely. There was no longer a Sentinel to tell when he was lying and Simon would believe him, well maybe, after a bit of convincing.

“I don’t think so. Have at least the coffee and a muffin. I don’t want you fainting at the funeral.” He immediately regretted his words as the same expression of grief took control of the young man’s face and body. It showed in the dejected slump of the too thin shoulders, the hunching of his body in on itself. The normally expressive face tightening into first a picture of pained hurt and then into nothing.

He tries so hard to hide the hurt and pain from everyone but mostly from himself and it isn’t right, Simon thought to himself. For the last couple of days he had tried to get Sandburg to open up to him, talk to him about what was going on in his head but to no avail. The anthropologist stubbornly refused to admit to anyone that he was grieving. Everyone knew. He hadn’t been to the station since the accident. He hadn’t even been to the loft. In fact if Simon hadn’t insisted on keeping Blair under a close, watchful eye, everyone was sure the grad student would have left town, at the very least.

Blair took the cup offered by Simon and tentatively took a sip. He gave his friend a quick glance then turned away, heading for the room he had been using. The door closed gently but firmly behind him. Simon heaved a sigh and picked up the phone to call the station. James Ellison, Detective, Sentinel to the Great City was to be buried today with full honours. And Simon would make sure that everyone would be there.

*****

Blair placed the cup on the dresser and sat on the edge of the bed where he could look out the window. For a long moment there was only silence, then slowly tears trickled down his face. The tears turned to silent sobs. The pain of loss grabbed him again and he lay down, face first into the pillow and let the grief take hold once more. The sobs built up, muffled by the pillow but the agony that coursed through his body racked the small frame with violent tremors.

“Why? Why Jim? Why did you leave me. I can’t do this alone. I can’t continue.” The silent thoughts were loud in his own mind. He had vowed to get through today, in honour of his friend, his Sentinel, his Blessed Protector. But after that…Well there was nothing after that. There could only be the end. The hurt and the pain were too great to carry on his own. His friends, no Jim’s friends, had been there but it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t helping. He was alone, again. For the last time, he vowed.

*****

The cemetery was packed with well wishers. Everyone, from the Mayor’s office right down to the uniforms, was in attendance. Speeches were made and commendations granted. But through it all Blair maintained the perfect stoic expression that he could only have learned from one Jim Ellison. No one could sense the churning emotions that hid just below the surface, the deep despair the young man felt. Though at times his eyes would water slightly, no tears fell. His calmness could mean acceptance but Simon doubted it. In fact he would wager his years salary that the calmness masked something far more drastic.

After the ceremony people trudged past Blair, offering meaningless condolences. His heart ached too much for him to try and make sense of what they were saying. He nodded and allowed a few tears to fall but nothing more. He didn’t see or hear anyone. His mind already on the near future and the plans he would put into play. Finally Simon returned from speaking to someone and guided him through the crowds and back to the apartment.

“I want to go to the loft, Simon. Please.” The soft-spoken plea tore at Simon. He recognized the hidden pain and nodded.

“But I am not leaving you alone. Not yet.”

“I’ll be fine. I just need time. I need to sort through all this, to accept it.”

“Blair…”

“Please, Simon.” He turned the soft pleading blue eyes, filling with more tears for the man he had been pleased to call friend.

There was a tense moment of silence but finally Simon nodded his agreement. “A few minutes only. If you aren’t back, then I am coming up.”

“Thank you.” Blair gave him a brief smile and climbed out of the sedan. His steps were weary but steady as he made his way inside and up the stairs. It took several attempts to get the key out and put it in the lock and even then he couldn’t bring himself to open the door.

Blair wandered around the place he had once called home. Everything was familiar too him and yet not. The bright colours of the blanket draped over the back of the couch to the pictures on the bookcases meant nothing any more. There was nothing for him here. Nothing for him to hold on to, to keep him going.

He made his way up the loft steps and over to the nightstand where he had seen Jim store his back up piece only a couple of nights before…before he had left him forever. The thought ripped through Blair again and he crumpled onto the bed, curling into a foetal position, hugging the pillow to his chest. The tears fell freely now, his heart torn into tiny pieces that could never be put back together.

“You left me alone. I can’t be alone any more. I can’t.” The whisper was wrenched from him, a whimper of despair following closely. He forced himself to sit and reached for the drawer. Sure enough, nestled under the Jack Kerouac book that Jim was so fond of, was the .38. He took it almost lovingly in his hands, the grip felt right and yet wrong at the same time. He blinked back more tears.

“I am sorry Jim. I couldn’t be strong. It hurts too much. Forgive me.” He raised the weapon to his head and closed his eyes. A hand reached out and took the weapon.

“Please don’t, Blair. Nothing is worth this. Especially not me.” The voice was familiar. Long missed and never to be forgotten. His mind was playing tricks on him. He looked up but the tears prevent him from seeing the person who knelt in front of him so he closed them again.

“You left me.” He accused, not caring if he was going crazy.

“I am sorry. I didn’t mean to. Blair, please look at me. Open your eyes.”

He shook his head. “I don’t want to be alone any more. Please, let me go.”

Arms, warm and loving wrapped around him, drawing him close to rest upon a broad chest. The sensation was familiar, comforting, safe. He trembled against it but his arms returned the embrace as if against his will. He pressed himself against the warmth and let the blackness take him.

*****

Voices broke through his consciousness and called for him. He didn’t resist, he couldn’t, not any more. He had nothing left to fight with. He knew his mind had broken under the pain of his grief but he could have sworn that Jim had held him and rocked him to sleep. Impossible but so real. He moaned as the memories broke though and flooded him once more.

The voices stopped and he heard footsteps approaching. Moments later a hand reached out and touched his forehead. It was warm and familiar, same as before.

“Chief. Are you with us again?” Jim’s voice.

“Jim?”

“Yeah, it’s me. Open your eyes, Chief. Please, look at me this time.”

Blair shook his head. “No, not possible. I don’t want to be alone. Never again. Don’t leave me again.”

“I will never leave you again, Chief. Blair, I promise.” Those must have been the right words because Blair’s eyes flew open and instantly connected with the light blue of his Sentinel.

Tears filled and over flowed as a hand reached up to softly caress the solid cheekbone, wet with more tears. “Jim.” The word so full of anguish and yet so much hope.

“Yeah. It’s me.” He opened his arms and gathered his Guide close. He held him as tears of pain and sorrow changed to tears of joy and wonder. The desperate grip around his waist was almost painful but he revelled in it, in the warmth and love of the young man in his arms and thanked God above that he had been in time. “I promise, Blair. Never alone, never again.”

The End

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